On a day like no other, I was introduced to the beauty of new life. Not an ordinary life but one that would lead me to question my decision years later.
Your small little hands and tiny feet I would hold and caress so that I could take in every detail of your essence and hold to memory for days and years to come. I took in a deep breath to take in your scent and held you close to me. Never wanting to let go and wondering whether I was doing the right thing. As I looked into your beautiful face with all the love that I had inside me, I whispered in your ear that I would love you until this life of mine was no more.
The journey without you would begin seven days after you came into my life. Each day that you remained in the hospital, I came religiously to feed you and hold you. I cried every time I left because my time with you was running out. So many times I thought about changing my mind. I thought about just trying to figure it out but something deep inside kept telling me that I needed to give you an opportunity for a better future.
The person I decided to be involved with intimately had a family of his own and was not going to sacrifice that for his infidelity. And so he made his decision quickly and without fuss. What was I doing? I battled with these thoughts in my head daily.
The terms of my decision were made clear to me. I was going to be making one of the most difficult life changing decisions in my life. I prayed about it. I asked God for clarity. On the day that I finally made the choice, the clarity came to me like a whisper in my ear. It was the best thing for me to do. It didn’t make it any easier though.
Today all I can do is wait for you to be ready. Ready for the reasons that I hope I can convey to you as to why I made that decision 18 years ago to give you the life that I thought at the time of your birth would give you a better life than I could have provided when you were born. Each year that passes by, the desire to hold you in my arms so that you can feel just how much I love you grows stronger.
On your 17th birthday I decided that after contacting your parents without a response I was going to contact you directly. All I said was “Happy Birthday” via IM because I just wanted you to know that I was around. Shortly after I received a call from your father at my place of employment asking me not to contact you or your mother. The contact was only to occur through the adoption agency and I was to abide by the agreement of the contract that was signed 18 years ago.
I’ll admit that the abrasiveness of his call and demeanor caught me off guard and was off putting as I was not expecting for him to respond in that manner. I apologized profusely to him while he remained on the line and he asked why I thought it was okay to contact you directly. I responded with partial truth about your younger sister wanting to know her sister. The direct contact was almost all my own desire to reach out with the hope that you would respond back.
Being adopted myself, there was a longing desire to know you and answer any questions you had about why. I did not get that opportunity and in all honesty, my heart was a bit crushed. But, I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to talk to me yet. I continue to hold on to the hope that one day very soon, you will reach out to me and of course I will answer any and all your questions.
For many years even though I told people about what I had done, I continued to worry about what they thought about my decision. I worried that they judged me. I worried that no one would understand because of any thoughts they may have about it. I did a whole lot of worrying until one day I decided that I didn’t give a damn about what anyone thought. It was my decision and I did what was best for you.
I do wonder what my mother is like. I often wonder why she had to leave me. She actually abandoned me when I was 5 years old. She left me to fend for myself and my 3 other siblings. I never thought I would ever be in a position to have to give my baby to someone else because I couldn’t take care of them. I know that you are doing well and that my decision gave you the opportunities I felt I was unable to provide at the time. You have grown into a beautiful young woman with so much talent and from what I can see, you are extremely happy. Each day I thank your parents for giving you an amazing life full of opportunities for you to be the very best that you can be. You are a blessing to many and I am forever grateful for the gift of you. I hope that one day very soon you can meet your brother and sister.
I love you so much!!