May 11, 2014
This just might end up being the longest letter you’ll ever get (you know, unless some guy decides to confess his love for you in a 10 page letter). Everything that I’ve held in for the past 15 years is going to be spread across I don’t know how many pieces of paper. I might be all over the place.
I know that every child says that their mother is the best in the world, but I’m going to up them by a few thousand galaxies and say that you’re the best mom in the whole universe. ( Yeah, I know…corny). Even though I may not agree with absolutely everything you do, I can’t help but respect it. You do what you think is best for me and JoJo & I love you for that.
You’re the most understanding person that I know & I hate that people take advantage of you and how they only talk to you when they need something. I know exactly how it feels cause that’s how I am. I get that from you…actually caring about people and wanting to do whatever I can to help them, if I can. I respect you sooo much. After everything you’ve been through in your life, you’re still the most beautiful woman I know. I’m not just saying that because you’re my mom. I really mean it. If I had just met you & you told me what’s happened to you in the past & you told me how you’re doing right now, I’d think you were an amazing, strong person. And you are.
Mommy, I know that I’ve done a lot of really stupid things in my life & trust me I’m probably going to do more. I make stupid decisions all the time & sometimes I regret them & other times I don’t. I’m only 15 & I know what kind of people are out there in this world. I know what can happen to me, I’m not clueless. I just make stupid mistakes, There are just times where I feel absolutely empty inside & I do anything to make me feel something. I don’t know how to explain it… I know I haven’t been through the same things you’ve been through, but I still have been through things & felt things that put me in a bad place. Theses things are on my mind 24/7. I literally mean 24/7. My sister. My dad. My brothers. My friends. When I say they’re on my mind 24/7, I literally mean 24/7. I dream about all of it. Every night when I go to sleep, they’re there. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating & crying. I can’t even have a good 6 hours of sleep without being woken up by those dreams. I can’t even dream about good things anymore. When you ask me what I’ve dreamed about, I lie. & when I do tell you about a dream I’ve had,I change it to different people & make it seem happier than it actually was. I start every day off sad. Every single day. I wake up and realize that everything isn’t okay. I try to do whatever I can to distract myself…read, draw, watch t.v. It’s not helping anymore because I zone out & my mind drifts to them. It’s gotten worse over the past couple of years. I want to talk to people about it. I don’t want to talk to you about it because I’d rather tell you about the good things that go on in my life that you don’t know about. You tell me about the guys that you talk to & your job & friends. I only tell you the things that I know you want to hear. I want to have a closer relationship with you, but every time I try to talk to you I always stop because I think it’ll be a waste of time & pointless.
I don’t like talking about my feelings because I always end up crying. I hate crying in front of people. So that’s why I’m writing this letter, because there’s no way I would have been able to tell you all of this face to face. When I write, everything just seems easier.
I love you & I respect you. I always will no matter what. It’s just that I’m getting older & you’re getting even more protective. I spend all of my free time with you. Whether I have my phone or not, you;re the only person I make plans with. Even if, by a miracle, I can go somewhere you’re there. My friends always ask me what I do every weekend & I tell them over & over again that I was with you. You even go out on the weekends & I’m always sitting at home with no one to talk to. Every time something good happens to me, I wait for you to come home so I can tell you & you always end up taking away my phone. Yeah, I’ve done retarded stuff the past couple times I’ve gotten in trouble but I never get to explain myself. & this last time I got in trouble it made no sense to me. I’m 15 in high school & I can’t talk to anyone. I always lose contact with people. I have opportunities to hang out with my friends and I can’t. You start to trust me with things & that one moment that I do something wrong is when you notice & you punish me for months. I don’t know anyone that gets their phone taken away for months at a time. A couple of weeks here & there makes sense. It sucks because I sit next to all my friends while they talk & laugh about all the stuff that happened over the weekends & I just sit there & think to myself that I did nothing. & it’s to the point that you always ask me about one person. I don’t only just have one friend & they have a life too. I’ve run out of things to distract myself. Compared to my friends I’m a saint & you automatically think I’m like them, Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with you. But I want to go shopping with my friends. I want to go to the mall with them, go see movies, have people spend the night, let you meet their parents. I want to be able to text them & call them whenever I want. I build friendships & they always fall apart because they get tired of not being able to talk to me outside of school.
Like I said before, I love you & I respect you. I want a closer relationship where we can talk to each other about everything. hang out with each other because we actually want to and be able to trust each other. You’re my mom and I’ll do the best I can to understand what you do, but I’m your daughter & you have to do the best you can to let me grow up & make mistakes. I love you with all my heart mommy. Forever & always.
P.S. Thanks for never giving up on me.
P.P.S. Bet this letter is more tear jerking than the one that’s on that mother’s day commercial 🙂
It is 2 1/2 years later and I can tell you that our relationship has grown tremendously. We are inseparable, except when she is hanging with her friends at the mall, movies, Chili’s, or concerts. This letter helped to give me insight into who my daughter was and her thoughts. Though we still don’t agree on everything, we have an understanding of where each other stands. I am still working on helping her to have a positive outlook on things in her life. We all must take a step back and analyze where we are and make changes to bring about the desired outcome we are looking for.
One thing that I realized in reading this letter again for the 4th time since it was written, is that time heals the heart. I have learned so much from my little girl. In just a few months, she’ll officially be an adult. Where did the time go? It was just yesterday that she entered kindergarten and began her journey of self discovery.
Being a mother has been a true life journey with many lessons. There have been many ups and some downs in this life of a mommy. I’ve cried when they fell and got a scraped knee when they were babies. I’ve laughed more than I’ve cried and I feel that I have raised 2 beautiful children into two amazing adults. Yes they will continue to make mistakes as my daughter said but I must let them grow up. They aren’t the only ones that have grown. They kept me going all these years and the beautiful, wonderful, and amazing moments we shared will forever be in my heart.