How many times have you asked yourself the same question when things went wrong? Why me? As I begin to ponder on the answer to this question, I go back to a time when this is what I repeated almost daily.
I was always a victim. A victim of circumstance, a victim of violence, a victim of hate, a victim of life. I was always sad. I had no hope and fear dictated my every move. I had given my power away to it countless times. A feeling of unworthiness and not good enough was constant in my thoughts and emotions. I was almost consumed completely by these negative thoughts and feelings. Now I say almost completely because even in my darkest hour, though I didn’t know it at the time, a glimmer of hope was all that it took to overcome difficult times.
You may be asking yourself how is that possible, because I sure did. The fact that I am able to write about it is evidence enough for me and it should be for you. Many times I wanted to give up and in my mind rightfully so. Why me? Am I really such an unlovable human being that I can’t have anything good happen to me? The negative mantra from the lies I’d convinced myself were the truth was enough to make me feel stuck. I don’t think I ever felt that I would make it past my teen years with all the crap that was going on. To be honest, I don’t think I wanted to make it past my teens. Life was hard and everything that was happening to me, I’d repeated over and over in my head was all my fault.
The series of events in my life from childhood to becoming an adult would prove the inner strength I possessed inside. Of course I didn’t see this as strength or power when I was a child or even as an adult. The conditioning from years of rejection from my biological mother, my adopted parents, my siblings (because I left home) and relationships with men. I wasn’t good enough. Why would anyone want me anyway? I was ugly. I was fat. I wasn’t smart enough. I would never amount to anything. With each self destructive affirmation I became more broken until I just wanted to close my eyes and never wake up. Countless days in which I woke up asking “God” why he was so cruel to keep me in this hell I was in. Countless nights in which I begged “God” to take me away. My so called prayers and requests went unanswered. Or so I thought.
Why me? I asked my self that question a few years ago in light of another tragedy in my life that would test my strength yet again. A flood of memories from my past of all the mistakes I’d made and the disappointment I’d felt of myself. Was this karma? Was this my destiny? Was this the life that I was to live until I left this body? So many questions and no answers. This was my fate. This was my life because I did not deserve anything better. I was tired of feeling like such a failure. When would this end? There has to be something better than this. But what is it?
So much chatter in the attic of my mind and the noise of all the negative things I kept repeating sounded like bowling balls down a bowling lane going into the gutter. How do I stop the noise? What do I do? Where do I go from here? I couldn’t make it stop. It just kept going on an on. I couldn’t make sense of any of it. I tried everything but nothing seemed to work. I was unsuccessful with all my attempts. I was reading books on personal development, watching videos or movies on successful people who’d gone through traumatic events in their lives and made a change. Still nothing clicked. In the midst of the storm in my mind there was a calm that I felt inside my heart.
A calming peace was all that I felt. For the first time in my life I was able to stop the negative chatter in my head. A flood of loving energy and an understanding of the great things to come overwhelmed me. I finally felt peace. This was to be the beginning of great change and things to come. How did I manage to do this? Where did the shift come from? Well all along my journey in this life, I still had a glimmer of hope. I recalled that even in my darkest moments when I wanted it all to end, I truly wanted to make it out alive. It was that mustard seed of hope that kept me going.
With this realization, my life truly began to transform. It took a mindset shift. I was reading all these books on how to overcome limiting beliefs and the law of attraction and to be honest at first it all seemed like a bunch of unrealistic nonsense. My negative mindset was deeply embedded with crap. Keep in mind that there were over 35 years of negative mantras I had to change. There was a culmination of deep seeded beliefs that I had convinced myself were true. I had expected things to change overnight and when the change didn’t happen the negative chatter would begin again. Transformation isn’t easy especially when you first start out. If anything, it’s the most challenging thing I’ve had to experience. There were years of lies and self sabotaging beliefs that held me back. I realized that I had to commit to change. I had to start with myself. I had to stop blaming my past hurts for all that I was and all that I thought I was to be in my future. I had to stop telling myself that I was doomed for failure.
Change starts with you. Only you have the power to write the chapters in your book about the life you want to have. The past cannot be changed. No matter how hard you try, the past is the past and nothing will change it. You do however hold the pen in your hand to write your future. You do have the power to make a difference in your own life and in the lives of others. If you want to see change in your life you must start with changing you. You do that by making a commitment to yourself to change your mindset to one that serves your highest good. You can stand in the sidelines and complain about how bad things are and how everyone else has it better than you or you can begin to write about all the wonderful things you’re grateful for. This mindset shift will inevitably bring about circumstances and situations that will help you step into the life you’ve dreamed of.
You have the power within you to do all things if you believe in yourself. No one can take that power from you. You may have allowed things in the past to make you feel powerless, but today is the day you reclaim your life. Live fully and live happy. Happiness is a choice like any other emotion you have. Choose happiness, love and joy. Allowing this shift of mindset to take hold of your life will bring about great things into it. Remember that change starts with you. Change begins when you allow love and happiness to flow through you freely. You must be willing to do whatever it takes to create the life of your dreams. The change starts with you!